I am often saddened when, in my coaching sessions, clients, especially women, decide to no longer have a romantic relationship or to no longer form a couple because they have been disappointed and sometimes heavily betrayed. Some tell me that they have decided to devote themselves to their children for those who have them or for others at their work.
Because if they have work and financial independence, they can decide for themselves. Sometimes they give me examples of women who have succeeded without having a family life. These reactions and decisions are understandable because of the depth of their wounds. But as you usually know, when an animal is attacked or in danger, there are two options available to it: defence or flight.
The decisions mentioned above are normal reactions of injured people. But I think you can do it another way without turning in on your own. If you are in a situation like this, read this quietly, or if you know someone in this situation, send it to them, maybe they can find an answer to their problem. We can also discuss things so that I can help you.
1. Don’t blame yourself
The first thing not to do is blame yourself. Because usually when we are the object of betrayal or deception, we feel guilty by saying: “How could I have been so stupid? How did I see nothing coming? Me, who am generally cautious? He or she got me. If it happened like this, I imagine the number of people who are abusing me in any way. When you let thoughts of guilt haunt you, you’re going to be bottoming out.
Know that this happens to everyone. There are never any people who are so smart you can’t fool them. You don’t have to blame yourself for trusting. Whether in a romantic relationship, business, partnership, between friends, in the family. There is an important lesson that I learned very recently: It is often the good guys who are treated badly. Now you don’t have to be bad for being nice or a good person.
Because of those who play tough need to expend energy to keep their “tough sides”. And they are not genuine. Sometimes we think that some things only happen to others. When we contract certain illnesses, we tell ourselves that it can’t happen to us, not to us. As if it is only to others that it can happen. Sometimes even when we lose a loved one, we do not quickly accept the disappearance of the loved one.
Anything can happen to anyone. Therefore, stop blaming yourself, otherwise, if you blame yourself additionally, apart from what you have been through, it will hurt twice as much.
2. Read and integrate the side effects inherent in any relationship.
None of us cares to know about the side effects of any relationship. But any relationship, like drugs, has side effects. Very often, we expect to have perfect relationships without a hitch. Even in cases where we think we know it won’t be butter every day, we don’t really expect any difficulties.
When you go to a drugstore to buy medicine, it’s to feel good, isn’t it? The great paradox is that the drug which is supposed to bring you well-being has side effects which can be nausea, vomiting, Diarrhea, insomnia, fatigue, drowsiness… But these effects do not prevent you from not taking the drug, just because you have a goal to achieve. If you refuse to see side effects and refuse to take medicine, you are also refusing to feel good.
We can dare this little comparison. Obviously, it’s not the same thing, but if you want to live beautiful relationships whatever nature, you must expect to experience setbacks: people will try to abuse your availability and kindness, people will overtake you, some will pass themselves off as what they are not or will have several personalities. I’m not telling you to be on your guard all the time and not live out your different relationships to the fullest, but you have to know the reality.
The fact that your small dog might bite you doesn’t mean you can’t have fun with him, is not it? The fact that you know that you can die, or that death will inevitably come, doesn’t prevent you from enjoying life and having a good time. Maybe this awareness of death happening anytime, even makes you enjoy life more because you don’t know when you will be leaving.
I’m sorry to say it to you like this, but know that this is not going to change: people will continue to be in bad faith, deceivers… but you have to keep going with people because you will not be able to do everything alone (e).
3. Don’t fall back on your children, your job…
The fact of turning in on yourself does not protect you, however, because wherever you are or where you will be, you will have to deal with Men. Often for fear of suffering again, we prefer to build a wall or protection around ourselves, but which is like a building with a clay foundation. The day you come across a clever one, he will give himself the nasty mission to pierce your shell.
Can you imagine that despite your shot someone comes to reach you? Imagine the degree of pain. It is also happening that while you are in the process of building your wall or monitoring the surroundings for possible piercers, you will be losing at the same time all the great opportunities that arise or pass in front of you. You will be wrong in believing that the growth and well-being of your children will be fulfilling. Not so sure, unfortunately.
Here is the trap that awaits you when you fall back on the development of your children. When they are old enough to fly and build themselves, you will be so attached to them that you will have difficulty letting them go, since you will have only them as a family. Even subconsciously, you are going to hold them back and wish (without admitting it to yourself) the failure of their relationship to stay with you.
Some reading these lines will wonder how we can want to our own child’s negligence. I can assure you that yes, it is possible. Not that you don’t want your children’s relationship success, but if that doesn’t work out, that’s fine for you.
If you fall back on your job, you will be scared to death every time you lose your job, because if you lose it, you lose the one or one thing that makes you feel alive. And for that, you will be more involved than anyone in your job, and indeed, you will succeed brilliantly in it. But you will be afraid of silence and calm because it is in calm and silence that existential questions come out and since you already know the answers, which you do not like, moreover, you risk developing addictions for you.
Feel alive. For still others, you will build narcissism to a very high level to be loved by the masses because you will be afraid to hold on to just one person so as not to be duped again.
4. Start over, but smarter and make yourself happy in advance.
All you have to do when you’ve been betrayed is take it back smarter. I’m not saying that you can’t really decide to have no longer a romantic, friendship, or business relationship with others. It is your full right. Except that very often it’s just so that you don’t have to suffer anymore.
One of the truths that I have learned personally is that when you are deceived, it is that you have allowed it to happen to you through your attitude and who you are. You will ask me: “what are you talking about, coach?” “Calm down! Remember this: it was said above that you should not blame yourself. Have you noticed that people are not betrayed or cheated in the same way and not to the same degree? Sometimes people use straightforward and archaic methods to deceive.
Elsewhere, with other people, they have to be creative in order to achieve their ends. How would you answer these questions? People are not fooled in the same way because they do not have the same attitudes. There is a proverb in Mina (the language spoken in Togo), which says that the slap you receive will depend on the face you have presented. This means that if we have five people present, the five will not receive the same slaps, at least in terms of intensity…
Which says that the slap you receive will depend on the mine you have presented. This means that if we have five people present, the five will not receive the same slaps, at least in terms of intensity… which says that the slap you receive will depend on the mine you have presented. This means that if we have five people present, the five will not receive the same slaps, at least in terms of intensity…
One of the things you are going to start by doing as well is making yourself happy. One of our great sources of frustration is when we have very high expectations in a relationship. When you have a very high level of expectation in a relationship, you will also be very disappointed. You can’t be without expectations when you’re in a relationship, because relationships are two-person.
But don’t wait for more than your partner can give and remember, you are fallible too. It is also great a responsibility to be the person who should make others happy. Very often, we find extenuating circumstances when it is, we who are at fault. Learn the lessons of your failures and pick up on things better.
In all ways, we can only learn from our setbacks, make arrangements and resume smarter. If you’re having a hard time, don’t blame yourself, don’t blame life, you’re just growing up.
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